Our long-ass vacation is over and we're looking back on the pile of sweet memories and broken dreams that was 2008!
Who can forget the many things that we learned last year? The Nintendo Wii's lineup turned from hot shit in a champagne glass to cold diarrhea in a dixie cup, Rock Band took a dump all over Guitar Hero and its lame hookups, and Namco taught us that you can sell a fighting game with nothing more than good graphics and giant tits. We learned much this year.
So, without further ado, let's look at the awesome things that defined gaming in 2008: excellent games, chainsaws, and softcore nudity (yes, NSFW stuff be here)!
"Best Way To Go Broke In a Single Purchase"
WINNER: Fallout 3 Limited Edition Pack ($100 And Up)
One Xbox 360: $300. A year of Xbox Live online service: $50. One Fallout 3 Survival Edition Package: at least $100. Having your own Vault Boy Bobblehead, complete with a real Pip-Boy 3000 device and Vault-Tec lunchbox: Priceless.
RUNNERS UP: SoulCalibur IV Hori Joystick Set ($100), Gears of War 2 Amazon-Exclusive Lancer ($125)
"Best NSFW Gaming-Related Pin Ups"
WINNER: Ann Angel, Gamer Fetish
There's a huge amount of flesh in the wonderful pits of the Internet, but a very small amount so prominently features some of our favorite gaming icons. Gamer Fetish's post about Ann Angel's sexual hots for Halo's Master Chief makes for a great desktop pics. Hey, it's a better use for that collectors edition helmet than abusing your poor housecat.
RUNNERS UP: Princess Peach Upskirts, Topless Mai Shiranui Figurine Sets (See Below!)
"Best Thing That We Watched Behind Locked Doors"
WINNER: Grace Kim's Rock Band Video Shoot
As much as we like Jo Garcia and Seal's wife, their gyrating antics couldn't quite match up to Grace Kim's guitar play. We'll let the video speak for itself. PS: Did you check out her Playboy spread?
RUNNERS UP: Heidi Klum's Guitar Hero Dance, Jo Garcia's Wii Fit Workout
"Best Gaming-Related Internet Video That Wasn't Porn"
WINNER: Metal Gear Awesome 2 by Egoraptor
Egoraptor is funny. He's really, really funny. It's not just the writing that makes his videos so good, though -- the Flash animated video he does make us fart and snort with laughing fits. The Metal Gear Awesome series made me shoot soda out of my snout. And my butt.
RUNNERS UP: World of Workcraft, Every Single "Zero Punctuation" Video That Came Out in 2008
"Best Use of Blood, Guts, and/or Gore"
WINNER: Gears of War 2
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY FLEEEEESH!"
We don't know if some historian will be able to confirm or debunk this for us, but that blood, pus, and excrement-filled Riftworm level had all of us suppressing a massive gag reflex. That, and the chainsaw animations fill the screen with waaaaay too much blood. (And that's just the way we like it!)
RUNNERS UP: BioShock, Fallout 3, Dead Space, Left 4 Dead
"Best Game That Ended Up in GameStop's Discount Bin"
WINNER: Mass Effect
Once you finish Mass Effect a few times, there's nothing else to encourage a retread through the long space saga of getting some hot, blue space alien booty. Still, it was one of the best damn things to get birthed from Bioware this year. Hell, I played it just to see the sex... ual romance in the game's storyline.
RUNNERS UP: Okami (Wii), Devil May Cry 4
"Best Game That Didn't Break Our Collective Wallets"
WINNER: Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix
This new Street Fighter game costs less than $20, and it broke records for online sales. Why can't all games be like this? I'd never have to leave my couch or go to GameStop ever again, and I could get awesomely fat, washing myself with nothing but soap and a back scrubber. Ahhhh. A man-pig can dream.
RUNNERS UP: Chrono Trigger, God of War: Chains of Olympus
"Breast, Er, Best Use of Breast Physics"
WINNER: Soulcalibur IV (Ivy, Taki, Etc.)
Don't lie to yourself. About 90 percent of the marketing for Soulcalibur IV was boobs, butts, and luscious babes with big swords. Not that we're complaining -- we love SCIV with all our hearts (and other body parts).
RUNNERS UP: Metal Gear Solid 4 (Beauty & Beast Unit), Ninja Gaiden II (Sonia)
"Best Slobs Feature That We Did This Year"
WINNER: The 29 Most Ridiculously Hot Female Fighters
When LongHairedOffender comes into the office and tells us to make money, the feature writing process is long, hard and difficult. We browse the Internet, hassle our other GamePro coworkers for story ideas, and break out tons of magazines in the name of good, solid research. Our feature on the 29 Most Ridiculously Hot Female Fighters took hours and HOURS of production work, but everyone loved it -- even the picky 4chan nerds that live in their parents' basements.
RUNNERS UP: 19 Movies with Game Names, The Top 14 Faces to Give to Your Mii, The 7 Most EVIL Things You Can Do in Grand Theft Auto IV, 9 Video Game Super Powers We'd Love to Abuse, 31 Absolutely Amazing Video Game Costumes
And that's a wrap! We're headed ass-first into 2009, and we're definitely looking forward to getting down and dirty with the upcoming gaming season. What were YOUR favorite things from last year?
