While the gaming industry seems to have attracted a new fan base with peripherals and games that cater to fitness, it seems that the older, hardcore gamers are being forgotten and getting left out. With that in mind, we have compiled a list of future video game peripherals that would accommodate this passionate player and cater to what they truly want: to be lazier.
7: The Gaming Suit
How many times while enjoying an extended match of shoot-em-up has some whiner walked by, called you a slob and then complained of a strange odor radiating from you. And while we understand that you have a glandular problem and that it isn't necessarily your fault, they seem determined to blame your poor hygiene as the culprit. If this has ever happened to you, let me introduce The Gaming Suit. This skin tight, space-age polymer ensemble not only looks great but also contains tiny internal aqua jets that when hooked up to a water source will administer small spurts of H2O that thoroughly clean your body while also preventing annoying bed sores. Additionally, the airtight polymers not only trap and contain any noxious bodily odors but the suit's slick exterior sheen is reminiscent of dinnerware. This means you'll have a place to set all your favorite snacks and edibles without worrying about staining or ruining the suit's stylish aesthetic. And exterior clean up is a breeze: simply remove the water supply and hose yourself off. Presto! Good as new. Comes in 4 great sizes, including L, XL, XXL, and XXXL.
6: Gamer Food and Gamer Food Dispersers
Ever have an intense gaming session interrupted by your body's annoying biological need to sustain itself through the consumption of food? And why is it that every time you try to consume said food while playing, you end up getting cheese or pizza sauce on your microphone/headset? Well, the old days of antiquated eating are about to be put behind us as we introduce Gamer Food and Gamer Food Dispensers, which will revolutionize the way you eat and, more importantly, the way you game. Gamer Food is a liquefied food substitute whose nutritional value is still under evaluation by the FDA and "legally" shouldn't be allowed to be sold to the public. But that shouldn't stop you from consuming it in mass quantities, because trust us, this stuff is not only okay-tasting, but we think it's reasonably good for you too. Additionally, Gamer Food can be consumed in two different ways: (1) by affixing the applicator headset to your face and drinking it through a straw, or (2) by attaching the Gamer Food I.V. up to one of your body's veins, and then slowly soaking up all the unnatural goodness, while completely bypassing the bothersome action of swallowing.
5:The Gaming Bedroom Set
Why do we as gamers have to do so much to play our beloved video games? And why are we restricted to do it in only one place: on the couch? For years, game enthusiasts have been slaves to that constraining piece of furniture known as the sofa, when all along there has been a revered furniture-alternative that, with just a little bit of help, could be just as conducive to game playing. I'm talking about your bed, and with the new Gaming Bedroom Set, you'll finally be able to fully utilize this incredible piece of furniture. The bedroom set includes a ceiling-mounted TV stand that hangs directly above the game player and points the television straight down (note: if hung improperly, said TV may fall and crush patron's head, lessening the potential fun and possibly ruining a TV), the gamer bedding set that has two arm holes permitting the player to extend his appendages through and play while staying comfy and warm, and a beautiful mahogany headboard that conveniently holds your games and systems. Never again will you have to get off your back, in order to then get on your ass to game.
4:The One Button Guitar Hero Controller
What's the best and most satisfying part of playing video games? It's winning. But sometimes overly difficult games and extremely complex controllers get in the way of your deserved victories, making you look less awesome than you truly are. Never has this been better exemplified than with the smash hit Guitar Hero and its terrible controller. Those heavy and cumbersome devices in no way lend themselves to successful music creation (if they did, why wouldn't all musicians utilize guitars like those controllers? They don't, because real musicians can't play them either). That's why we've created the more intuitive One Button Guitar Hero Controller. This controller streamlines the gaming experience by allowing you to activate all the different colored notes simply by pushing our one large white button. Is it a "C" major? Hit the white button. A "D" flat? Hit the white button. The ole "B" sharp? Hit the white button. Also you no longer will have to raise your controller to trigger your special meter, simply say "special" and it turns on. Finally Guitar Hero will actually be fun.
3: The Pee Pouch
If there is one thing video games have illustrated regarding the human body, it's how completely inefficient it is. It seems like almost every 5 hours you either have to urinate or dump, and those numbers seem to increase if you want to toss back a big gulp or two while playing. So in an effort to reduce the amount of video game time lost to nature's call, we proudly introduce the Pee Pouch. With the Pee Pouch, we've taken some of the most innovative sacks and pouches that the 21st century has produced and combined them with state-of-the-art plastics to create a waste disposal system that is probably very similar to what people of the future use. The pouch comfortably fastens to your groin, and when the urination process begins, the golden waste flows away from the body where it comes to rest in a sack. This sack then holds the pee pee, where it is cooled and prepared for permanent jettison. And don't become concerned about having to frequently empty this wiz-filled sack because it holds up to 4 gallons of yellow water. And for those of you who enjoy a large meal while gaming, do not fret--the dump sack is in development and should be released soon.
2: The Wii Stationary Controller
Uggghhh, controlling the Wii remote is hard. And we're not talking about the difficulty of this console's games. We're talking about the physical exertion it takes to play those games, with all the arm and body movements, not to mention often having to stand to play. Exhausting!!! Maybe, this system would have sold a bit better if Nintendo hadn't made its controls so extremely fatiguing. However, in an effort to move a couple of these Wiis off of the store shelves, we've developed The Wii Stationary Controller. The Wii Stationary Controller looks like a traditional video game controller, except its cord doesn't run back to the system. Instead, it runs to an innovative robotic arm and hand that grips your original Wii controller. Now all you have to do is push the buttons on your stationary controller and watch as the mechanized-limb mimics the wrist, hand, and arm movements required to play those strenuous games. No longer will you look like a goof as you flail your appendages about. No longer will you have to sweat in order to make Mario jump. And no longer will robots seem evil.
1: The Auto-Gamer
Games these days are awfully expensive and you certainly want to get your 60 dollars worth out of each title. But with needy families and jobs insisting that you stop and pay them some attention, not to mention those unfair games that cheat to prevent you from beating them, sometimes gaming can be difficult. That's why we've created the Auto-Gamer. Whenever you reach a point in a game where you either can't or don't want to continue, the Auto-Gamer will take over and play for you. This will allow you to gain the achievements and unlock the bonus content that you deserve, without forcing you to exert yourself or be bored. Simply unplug your controller from its port, plug in our seemingly futuristic device, and watch as it plays the game for you. Blow your friends away as you recount how you defeated the dreaded Cupcake Monsters in Ninja Breadman or just quietly let your massive influx of achievement points do the talking. Either way, you can now spend more time doing the things you are truly good at--like sleeping and eating--while still impressing the losers you surround yourself with.
