Recently, Midway surprised many with its announcement that the first next-gen installment of its treasured Mortal Kombat franchise would now include new fighters from an unrelated universe: DC comic books. On the surface, this move appears very random and unnatural. Fortunately, the SlobsofGaming have the remarkable ability to find silver linings in almost any pile of shit. And this strange stew proved to be a catalyst for other potential gaming match-ups that, if not worse than MK vs. DC, are just as bad. So ready yourself, reader, for ten fighting games we'd rather play before Mortal Kombat vs. DC...
Veggie Tales vs. Def Jam
Good nutrition takes on bad attitudes!
While Christians often claim to take the moral high ground, there have been a number of historically documented occasions where, when pushed too far, they have turned to violence. And it's no exception when the Christians in question take on the form of legumes. This title would have those deadly Christian vegetables doing battle with some of the most hardened gangster rappers this side of Compton. Uncle Murder will attempt to cap Bob the Tomato, Ghostface Killah will try to shank Larry the Cucumber, and the Young Gunz will make an effort to bury (or rebury?) Junior Asparagus. However, if you think it will be easy for Def Jam to turn these adorable vegetables into salads, then you've clearly forgotten what side God will most likely take.
Cable Television Judges vs. 80s Hair Band Lead Singers
"All rise for the Honorable Judge My-Foot-In-Your-Ass!"
The reckless and selfish lifestyle that hard rock bands of the 80s famously pursued would not be regarded too highly by many of today's tough television judges. For this reason, Judge Judith Sheindlin wouldn't hesitate to slam her gavel down on Brett Michaels' bandana-adorned head, faster than he could say "every rose has its thorn." Yet, don't be too quick to cast these big-haired vocalists aside. Behind the insane ramblings of David Lee Roth ("Bozadee bop!...zitty bop!" says he) comes a lethal fighting style that is twice as insane and twice as deadly as anything Judge Joe Brown has ever dealt with. And I'm sure Sabastian Bach's giant maw is capable of biting off more than just bat's heads. However, ass-clown Bon Jovi would certainly not make an appearance in this game.
Scooby Doo Villains vs. Tom Cruise Movie Roles
Ironically, Cruise is only slightly less crazy than grown men wearing halloween costumes to cover up hidden smuggling rings.
This instant classic would see many memorable and awesome match-ups. Expect to see Lieutenant Pete "Maverick" Mitchell utilize his "dangerous" (as stated by Val Kilmer's Iceman) air force training in an attempt to fend off the attacks of The Specter of Ebeneezer Crabb. Prepare to exploit the other-worldly powers of the 3 Ice Cream Phantoms and remind Cole Trickle that his days of thunder are numbered. Or watch in glee as Tom Cruise's underwear-clad character from Risky Business comes sliding into the Kelp Monster's fist, all to the tune of Bob Seger's Old Time Rock and Roll. If this fits your idea of a good time, then check out the only game where criminals dressed up as supernatural beings do battle with trite and cliché movie characters.
Popular YouTube Internet Memes vs. Game Show Hosts
"Chocolate Rain! Some will die and ALL will feel the pain!"
Maybe she has poor balance, but you'd be a fool to position yourself underneath the Grape Stomp Lady's feet (or below her falling body for that matter). Yes, this brutal match-up would see your favorite online memes do battle with some of television's most celebrated game show hosts. We've all witnessed the unrivaled punching power of Bob Barker, as he rained down haymakers on Happy Gilmore's face. But how would he fare against the Star Wars Kid's unusual light-saber technique? And would Bub-Rubb be able to use his annoying whistler tips to make Pat Sajak's massive head explode? These questions and more would be answered in this life-altering videogame combination which would feature the music of Tay Zonday.
Third World Leaders vs. Inanimate Objects
Forget nuclear bombs. The REAL power lies in kitchenware...
These powerful men have achieved the highest political office in some of the most adverse regions. But how would they match up in a battle of strength against simple everyday objects that are tired of being overlooked? Certainly Uzbekistan leader Islom Karimov rules with an iron fist, but would said fist be able to overpower the strength and determination of a tin can of creamed corn? And Karimov wouldn't be the only leader to battle to the death with every day non-living items such as flashlights, car keys and bike helmets. Indonesia's Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono would have to devise a clever strategy to defeat a handful of rusty nails without contracting Tetanus and without messing up his immaculate haircut. Expect this title to finally answer the question: are videogames art?
Fat Cartoon Characters vs. The Amish
Because nothing pisses off the Amish like a walking, talking Deadly Sin.
They're often hilarious, they're always morbidly obese, and hopefully they will soon be duking it out with those anti-electricity eccentrics, the Amish. Of course I'm talking about fat cartoon characters, whose slow wits and often slower bodies have made them television staples for years. Except now they will be engaging in deadly hand-to-hand combat with a religious denomination that doesn't mind sitting in the dark. Watch in wonderment as Peter Griffin takes on Brother Jebediah, gawk in awe as Comic Book Guy stops father Ezekiel dead with his sarcastic quips, and cringe as Porky Pig fends off Thaddeus' attempts to slaughter and prepare him for Sunday's Feast. You can also rest assured that unlike other recently announced fighting games, this one will be rated mature.
Fast Food Mascots vs. White Rappers
Shit, who wouldn't pay $60 for the privilege of beating Jared's smug face in?
We are all very familiar with the quiet strength of Jared the Subway Guy, who somehow lost weight by eating more. Yet, I'm sure we've all wondered how his unnatural abilities would translate into a bout of fisticuffs with Caucasian men who rhyme? And what about Mayor McCheese? Would his potent political ambitions be enough to silence Vanilla Ice's poignant verbal barrages which include the humiliating phrases, "I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon," and "word to your mother?" Could Grimace the Purple Butt Plug withstand the tireless shenanigans of ICP's Shaggy 2 Dope? These momentous fights and more would be the subject of this incredible game, whose due time is fast approaching.
Famous 70s Porn Stars vs. The Little Rascals
Black-and-white kiddie comedy meets technicolor butt-sex. Awesome?
The innocence of youth takes on the disillusion of adulthood in this catastrophic clash where adorable children will attempt to snub their sex-crazed elders. Expect to see a precocious Alfalfa try to stab a drugged-out John Holmes with his trademarked cowlick hair-spike. While Buckwheat, unaffected by the sexual charms of Bambi Woods (thanks to prepubescent adolescence), attempts to repeatedly pummel the one-time star of Debbie Does Dallas. Will Linda Lovelace's celebrity prove to be too much for the adorable Darla, or will this child still be too young to understand Ms. Lovelace's appeal? It's the battle of the year (or at the very least the next couple of weeks), where two opposing divisions will fight it out to prove which ideal is more ideal.
Horror Movie Monsters vs. Mall Santas
See, this is why we lock the doors AND the chimneys.
Since horror movie monsters are so deadly and unkillable in films, a match-up against Kris Kringle imposters might seem a bit unfair. But come Christmas time, department stores are so desperate to find someone who'll wear a fat suit for minimum wage, that they'll hire anyone with a pulse, including degenerates, criminals, the insane and so on. Meaning Freddy Krueger would be in for an enormous surprise when the Santa he's attempting to get his knife fingers on, turns out to be a crack-head with the speed and strength of Tyrone Biggums (from Chappelle's Show). And Jason Voorhees would certainly be confused when, after puncturing Santa's belly with a machete, stolen wallets and watches come spilling out instead of blood. However, it's still unknown what side the Santa from Silent Night, Deadly Night would take.
Sitcom Nerds vs. The Jackson 5 as adults
Ugh! Is that Michael?! He looks like the Goddamn Crypt Keeper! Eww! Kill it! Kill it!
It has been said, that when you're mocked to the degree that television's most famous nerds are, you start to develop an uncontrollable rage that can only be properly vented by pounding on the faces of The Jackson 5. Yet up until this point, this famous adage has gone unproven. This game means to change that, as Samuel "Screech" Powers does his best to break Tito's glasses, and Steve Urkel takes on the enviable task of removing Michael's plastic nose. Will Marlons' ever-increasing gut be able to withstand the ferocious punches of Charles in Charge's Buddy Lembeck? This gory bloodbath can only end in violent death, as an aging and irrelevant Jackson 5 take on some of TV's most famous outcasts.
