FIGHTING GAME EDITION
Sure, there are plenty of games that we love for being bad. For some ungodly reason, human beings willfully subject themselves to crap like Superman 64, anything with Bratz in the title, and video games based on movies. But there are some games that are so vile, so completely horrid and foul, they reek of pure ass the minute you take the plastic off the box.
The SlobsOfGaming are doing a service for all mankind and lining up games that should never have seen the light of day. We're not talking about popular games that suck, but the stuff that nightmares are made of. Join us as we delve into madness with the best of the worst fighting games, complete with a crude, yet handy scale to show just how much ass they suck.
(Minimal assery gets the "Kirsten Dunst" rating. The biggest pieces of ass are slapped with a "Jennifer Lopez" award.)
#9: Fight For Life
(Jaguar 64)
Possibly the only fighting game in the world with worse "moon physics" than Virtua Fighter, Fight For Life's plot features martial artists trying to win a tournament so they can escape from Hell. In a strange twist of irony, simply playing the game is akin to being in Hell itself. Incidentally, this was the Jaguar's last game, a final stake in the heart of the cursed system.
#8: Swashbuckler
(Apple II)
Another game that truly represents Hell, Swashbuckler consists of nothing more than a damned soul with a rapier fighting two immortal pirates, giant scorpions, and a mutant dog. Even worse, there's no way to win -- the game will simply reset your kill counter after 200 wins or so. We're not even sure you could technically call this a fighting game, but the almighty Internet says otherwise.
#7: Tom & Jerry: War of Whiskers
(PS2/Xbox/GC)
In further proof that there is no God, the Tom & Jerry cartoons have spawned no less than 20 video games. We can only assume that these titles are bought by unsuspecting parents and grandparents who can't tell a video game from a dead pigeon. Fun Fact: War of Whiskers was developed by NewKidCo, an evil entity also responsible for E.T. and Sesame Street games.
#6: Dual Heroes
(Nintendo 64)
Completely ignoring the basics of most fighting games -- blocking, dodging, etc. -- Dual Heroes consists of ballet dancers in Power Ranger uniforms lovingly walking into each other's arms and trading powerbombs. Blechhh.
#5: Holossuem
(Arcade)
When a video game greets you with a giant blue disembodied screaming head, it's a clear warning to run away. Holossuem is possible a second-place candidate for the least amount of fighters (only four) in an arcade fighting game, despite being an elaborately-built machine with a holo-screen. In retrospect, the screen is largely useless, since whatever fighters you pick are trapped mere centimeters away from each other.
#4: Fighter Maker
(PS1/PS2/Windows)
In the ultimate dick-move by lazy developers, Fighter Maker essentially gives you the middle finger by making you build your own characters (from broken parts) and fighting system (from broken tools). One of the main reasons this game failed was because you could go buy almost any other fighting game and start playing immediately. Like, as soon as you put the game in.
#3: Fight Club
(PS2/Xbox)
Ouch. If Chuck Palahniuk was dead, he'd be spinning in his grave just knowing that his beloved film and book had been responsible for this game. It's actually more like square dancing than fighting, but that's being too insulting to country folks. The trailer makes the game look a hundred-thousand times better than it actually is.
#2: War Gods
(Arcade/N64/PS1/Windows)
Our research indicates that War Gods is full of subtle hypnotic imagery that tries to prevent you from shutting off the game. The characters don't really look like deities of any kind, but more like a fetish group from a seedy strip club. This game is Midway's secret shame, but after plenty of crappy Mortal Kombat sequels, everyone forgot about War Gods (except us, we're scarred for life).
#1: Street Fighter
(Arcade/TurboGrafx/C64/DOS/Windows)
Thankfully, not many people have played the first Street Fighter, possibly the crappiest fighting game in history that time forgot. This game cuts out the middleman by only letting you pick Ryu, and if you have a friend that hates you enough, they can pick Ken. Even the translation for Street Fighter was laughably bad: this game's ridiculously over-powered version of the Hadoken was redubbed to "Ball of Fire" in the non-Japanese versions.
